God, I see her.
She is standing in the center of a group of teens flashing her perfect smile and casually flipping her perfect long, wavy brunette hair. As her animated voice penetrates the air, she flounces over to a friend and her classy flats, skinny jeans, and adorable blouse seem to sparkle in the light. Her bouncy personality is like a fragrance enveloping her. A laugh bubbles through her perfectly glossed lips, and her glittering blue eyes amidst her perfectly makeuped face seem particularly intense. She has captivated the group. She is standing in the center.
But, she is captivatingly standing in the center of more than just a circle of people; she is standing in the center of what I could be and what my heart craves.
I, too, have brown hair.
I, too, have blue eyes.
By indulging my frivolousness - using that hair product, curling my locks, spending more time on makeup - by forgetting what I stand for and by ignoring Your still, small voice, God, I could invoke the same captivation. By spending my hard earned money, I could create outfits that set a new standard of beautiful. With me externally enhanced, I could adorn bubbly. I know the talk, the glance, the laugh, the walk. It is within my power. With one choice I could become her.
No, I could become even more; I could surpass her. I could be the idol to my idol.
Being thus completely captivating, I could fill some of my heart's cravings. I would be noticed and paid attention to. I would be valued and admired. People would actually see me and my greatness, and I would be finally appreciated. Hence, I would have satisfaction; I would have security. Attaining this picture of bliss, I could gain happiness and affection; I could satiate my heart's cravings for joy and unconditional love.
God, I would be at the center and love it.
I want that. My heart wants to burst from the vividness of my wishes. My heart pounds as I am carried away in my mind to the place of admiration and captivation. Yet, as I imagine myself at the center, I feel a tug at my heart and hear "You'd be at the center of what, Deborah?" Two words pop into my head in answer: sIn and prIde. Yet, I shake the thought off and think "But God! She doesn't seem to be a sinful, prideful grub! Some adults even acclaim her! Practically every girl I know wants to be her. She's even a Christian, the model of a "good" girl. She seems to be getting away with both worldly pleasure and the Christian life, a combination that I have to deny daily because of my convictions. Yet, who is acclaimed by peers? Not me, but her. I could be that. I could be more. I could be known ..." In the midst of these words deep from my heart packed with the power of all my pain and frustration, I am carried away again to the world where I am the idol. I am angry because I know I cannot give into my dream but am reliving it all the same. I crave admiration. I crave satisfaction. I long to be captivating.
With the thundering flood of my emotions pulsing through me, a thought drops into my mind and gushes into every corner of my consciousness.
Deborah, am I enough for you?
A heavy stillness in my heart and mind ensues as that question permeates me thoroughly. God's voice continues.
What if I told you that you would never have giggling girls running to you and dotting on you? What if, at the mention of your name, no young men get excited and no girls immediately think of how they can mimic amazing you? What if you never had the attention and admiration? What if no one ever knew you or if no one even cared to say hello? What if you never were that girl?
Would you be content with me alone?
My mind is invaded with the thought of giving up the images of this love, admiration, and attention. My desire for these images filled with laughter, groups of friends, and compliments overpower me, and I begin to cry. What if I give up my desire to achieve them? My grip is so tight, and they are so appealing. Yet, through my struggle, the voice speaks on.
Will you be content with what I promise you? That I will never forsake you, that you have strength through me, that I love you, that if you lose your life for my sake only then will you gain it?
Will you be content with who I say you are? That you are my royal daughter, that your sins are forgiven, that you are made new, and that you are my masterpiece?
Will you be content with what I say you should do? That you should take up your cross and follow me, that you should be my hands and feet, that you are to be the last, the servant?
Will you be content with what I give you? If I take away your health, your family, your money, and your friends or if I do not give you what you see fit? Will you be content with me alone as your reward?
As the sobs shake my shoulders, the voice that had been escalating in force now reaches a climax and pounds into my heart and mind the question:
Deborah, am I enough for you?
The question is like a rock thrown into the pool of my mind and has a catastrophic moment followed by ripples and a calm. Crumbled on the floor with my mind ripples dying out, I hear only my sobbing turning into deep breaths. My mind begins to refocus on truth.
I know I cannot stay desperately clinging to this longing for worldly fulfillment. I must make my choice and give in fully to one of these two desires warring within me; I must give into Deborah on the throne of my heart or Jesus. I cannot keep living halfheartedly, giving half my heart to the world and half to You, God, because that only leaves me brokenhearted. I cannot say that I am Your servant while I continually dwell on this sinful desire. Indeed, I can never be full if I am never fully committed to anything, God. I am capable of being more than torn and wishy washy; I am capable of being fully alive. Consumed. Passionate. Joyful.
I know what I must do.
I take a very deep breath to keep the swell of emotions at bay as I verbally admit the truth that the world won't satisfy. I don't feel this God. I don't see it in the life of my idol.
Deborah, what you see now is only a reflection. One day you shall know fully (1 Corinthians 13:12)
Exhaling, I cry out "Oh God, I choose to believe that only You satisfy. I acknowledge the lie of worldly fulfillment and trust that your plan and purpose for me is greater than any gloriousness I could conjure up on my own. No matter what I feel, I will live accordingly. Lord, I cling to You."
Even as I say this, more truth comes to mind.
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10
"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:15-17
I am Yours, Lord.
Here I am, Lord.
You can have all of me.
Take my whole heart - every fear, doubt, failure, desire, and dream. Take my distractedness and sinful desire for pleasure and applause. Take my obsession with myself. Take my idol. I throw off everything that hinders me and the sin that so easily entangles; God, I will run with the perseverance the race has marked out for me (Hebrews 12:1).
I am Yours, Lord.
I lay me down as a living sacrifice.
My identity is in You as Your servant.
I choose to follow whatever comes after this Lord.
Break me, cleanse me, purify me Lord, for everything I am is Yours.
You are on my heart's throne, and I am never to take it back.
No matter the pain, no matter the confusion, no matter what my logic says, I am Yours and will be about my Father's business.
For I know in my heart that Your plan is greater and that You are greater.
Oh Holy One, I am Yours, obediently open to Your will as your wholehearted, faithful servant. I will not look back and focus on what I lost. I am thrown into Your work.
Father, not my will, but Yours be done.
Here I am Lord. I am Yours Lord.
No matter the cost.
Because You are enough for me.
© 2013 Deborah Hope Shining
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Truth.
Galatians 5:26 “We will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is original.” MSG
Psalm 119:37-38a “Take away my foolish desires, and let me find life by walking with you. I am your servant!” CEV
2 Timothy 2:4 “No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him.” ESV
1 Corinthians 4:2 “The one thing required of such servants is that they be faithful to their master.”
TEV
1 Corinthians 15:58a “Throw yourselves into the work of the Master” MSGTEV
Here is a song called "Worth It All" by Meredith Andrews. It speaks to the heart of what I just wrote about by telling of how everything we sacrifice in life is worth it all for Jesus. Enjoy.
