10:47pm
All the lights outside my room are turned off, and my bedroom's dark curtain is pulled shut.
The day has been enveloped by night's embrace.
This exterior darkness surrounding me echoes the dark sea roaring loudly within.
Fear. Frustration. Overwhelmedness.
Swirling around me, the thunderously crashing waves of many emotions, sensations, reflections, and regrets from what I encounter each day - scholarships, colleges, tests, friends, beauty, transcripts, defeat, family, future, failing, popularity - all form one major, dark, chaotic sea inside of me that screams a million things at me in the same moment.
Each wave is a new surge of this battle God has called me to fight daily.
But every time I get out from under one wave, I get sucked under the next.
This time, the wave has a magnetic pull that is drawing me to its depths and holding me there, holding me there, holding me there ...
It feels like I'm in the same cycle of the same 'ole same 'ole.
The rush before a wave's arrival, the sharp cracking as it reaches me, and breathless incapacity as I am pulled down to the deepest parts.
Repeatedly. Repeatedly. Repeatedly.
I know, every time, the wave does not hold me down for so long that I drown; although at some points its as if I cannot breathe, I have a Saviour who always reaches me at the darkest moment in the current.
But this time, I feel as if I've given Him enough time,
as if I have patiently trusted for a long enough duration.
Alright, God, anytime now ...
How much longer can I survive beneath this current's immense weight and amid its deep darkness? I cannot see anyplace ahead of me; I cannot work my way out on my own, and I cannot hear You coming to my rescue. All I have to go on is hope, and all I have to live by is faith. Yet, how long will my breath last, for I feel as if I am bursting already...
How much longer must I wait on you, Abba?
All the more my heart whispers that my wave is ridiculous, and I chastise myself for being stuck in this depth again. Being trapped in this ocean of doom, experiencing small abates, yet being continuously sucked down again, I muse:
What a ridiculously silly cycle to be caught in.
For how many years has this torrent abused me? drowned out valuable things in my life? filled me instead with this unremitting, pressure?
However, the reality is, the wave being silly or not, I am still drowning.
This ocean is real to me.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12).
This fight I am in is real, and it's a battle for my freedom.
The battle lost, I can be engulfed in its darkness and drained of joy. It is inviting me to give up fighting, to be swept away in its tide and embrace its ways, forsaking a pursuit of God.
The battle lost, I can be engulfed in its darkness and drained of joy. It is inviting me to give up fighting, to be swept away in its tide and embrace its ways, forsaking a pursuit of God.
Be discouraged. Lose heart. This cycle will never end.
I'm loosing breath at the bottom of this wave.
"Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because
of the LORD's faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness! I say: the LORD is my portion, there I will put my hope in Him" (Lamentations 3:22-24).
Hope yet lives
My. Saviour. is. alive
"Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy.
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry.
So I wait for You. So I wait for You.
I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
is living for"
(Joy Williams, Hungry Falling on My Knees)
Jesus Christ is greater than I am, I who must die to fleshly gain, comfort, and understanding.
How hungry am I willing to get?
How long am I willing to wait?
How blindly am I willing to endure?
All I will do for the sake of Christ.
Here, holding my breath amidst darkness, I am waiting for You, Jesus, to save me.
You have a plan. You know when the time is right. You will not give me more than I can bear and will finish what You started in me.
I trust You, Lord, that once You have brought me to this wave's top, you will show me the light. There, Lord, I can see that each wave is bringing me closer to shore, closer to a new season and a new adventure in You.
You will rescue me because You are good. You are faithful. You are all powerful.
You will not leave me in this darkness forever but will light the way ahead of me.
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God" (Psalm 42:5-6a).
Don't give up.
Don't give in.
Don't stop fighting.
Have faith. Take heart. Be of good courage.
In Christ we are able to do all things.
For Christ we must be willing to bear all things.
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.
Hope yet lives
My. Saviour. is. alive
"Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy.
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry.
So I wait for You. So I wait for You.
I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
is living for"
(Joy Williams, Hungry Falling on My Knees)
Jesus Christ is greater than I am, I who must die to fleshly gain, comfort, and understanding.
How hungry am I willing to get?
How long am I willing to wait?
How blindly am I willing to endure?
All I will do for the sake of Christ.
 |
| "Jesus, You're all this heart is living for." |
Here, holding my breath amidst darkness, I am waiting for You, Jesus, to save me.
You have a plan. You know when the time is right. You will not give me more than I can bear and will finish what You started in me.
I trust You, Lord, that once You have brought me to this wave's top, you will show me the light. There, Lord, I can see that each wave is bringing me closer to shore, closer to a new season and a new adventure in You.
You will rescue me because You are good. You are faithful. You are all powerful.
You will not leave me in this darkness forever but will light the way ahead of me.
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God" (Psalm 42:5-6a).
Don't give up.
Don't give in.
Don't stop fighting.
Have faith. Take heart. Be of good courage.
In Christ we are able to do all things.
For Christ we must be willing to bear all things.
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.
© 2013 Deborah Hope Shining
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