A Confession || What's Really Been Going On


God, i guess i'm here.

i’m here.

at the two weeks plus six days mark. (that sounds so much more weird than three weeks minus one day).

i'm here.

and i'm just hit with how i haven't actually always been here.

yeah, I've never been in this position of being this close to leaving for this new place before, but it’s more than that. i haven't always been present where i am.

i may be physically present, and i may even be focused on engaging with what is within my present.

but this i now see: i haven't always engaged with my whole heart as I’ve needed to do.

i can see my little self dancing around the kitchen floor in a northwestern minnesoatan direction, free & full, beaming joy, and coating the room in yellow that is invisible to the eye - a yellow that smells like the sun and feels like it’s silken rays.

i can see my adolescent self step into the school room and not realize the things that would start to step out of her through her years within those school walls.

i can see myself fumble into teenage-hood and fumble into tears, into pain, into questions.

i can see myself start to grow up and learn things that i guess growing up requires us to learn — or at least requires us to face and to choose if we will do the learning from the seeing, feeling, and knowing.

i see me.

i see me and see so much that i wish little me would have chosen to believe, would have chosen to focus on, would have chosen to hold on to, would have chosen to pursue.

yet i see that little me was so concerned with these very things: concerned with doing it right and seeing right and being right and not wasting life.

i see me.
and i see how unnecessarily complicated me has liked to make things.

yet i see not just the failings but the days dripping with the very essence of good itself -- days of dancing in the kitchen, running barefooted, doodling in the margins, ribstiking in the living room, and singing louder than my family wished i would.

i see life.

and maybe, as i sit here two weeks plus six days away, i’m a little afraid. uneasy. unsure.

because I don’t know exactly what living means.

is there one right way to live?
what does it mean to make the most out of my life?
how can i figure that out?
how do i find the strength to do it once i know?

I've been battling these questions in this microcosmic time where growth is seemingly exponential — which is glorious, but piercingly so.

and i can’t even explain the things the Lord is laying on my heart.
and i might be coming across as an obsessively introspective young person who just needs to get a grip.
and i might not be making as much of sense as i wish i could.

but i refuse to let that stop me, anymore.
but i refuse to not humble myself and share.
but i refuse to not let each word i type to be dripping with candor no matter how inadequate i may think the words to be.

because this living, though.

He’s drawing me to it and letting me ask questions:

what does it look like to learn to be happy every single day?
what kind of letting go does that mean?
and what kind of holding on to does that require instead?

i won't understate the importance of figuring such things out. i just wont' because having purpose and direction is what will set us on fire and create unstoppable forces.

((and it’s a glorious thing when we realize the deepest happiness is found in losing ourselves in delight of the King and following everything that means)).

i'm learning that this living means I'm needing to pour into that relationship with Him— to pour with trust and abandon to come alive on a new level.

it’s been a humbling summer. a stretching one. and now an intensely reflecting and processing one ((something that I have not been wanting to do)).

and i'm here in it -
in the middle of living while trying to find out what this living means.

i want to share with you the journey of finding life.

for this i am already seeing about living: life is meant to be shared.

so, i refuse to not share anyone.
i choose life, and i challenge you to do the same.

this “choosing life” may come in many different forms for you, but i challenge you to seek the Lord about it and ask Him to take you to a level even deeper of sold-out life for Him.

and i make it my aim to share my journey with you on this blog as we begin journeying together: together into life (and that life full).

<< "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." >> ((Jn. 10:10).
© 2015 Deborah Hope Shining

1 comments

  1. ChristinaAugust 6, 2015 at 1:46 PM

    Thank you for an honest post! And I don't think you are being obsessively introspective young person! You are asking questions and challenging yourself! I really like when people do that! Thanks for the encouragement to choose life and life to the full! I have been praying and trying to work on this! I WANT to be FULLY sold out to my Lord and Savior! I want Him to do more than I could ask or imagine! Your post is an encouragement and a good reminder! Thank you and good luck with college! :D

    ReplyDelete

I definitely don't want this to be a monologue. What are your thoughts? Questions? Ideas?