We must be broken if we ever want to be put back together, to become whole.
I wholly don't like this breaking process (let's just be real, here).
But this is a process in which I've found myself a lot these days.
I've been undergoing a major transition in my life recently. And college these days? Oh, it's (honestly) been way worse than I expected. But because of that, it is way better than I could have dreamed. <<and that my friends, is just the start of a whole other post...>>
In the thick of things, though, we can feel lost sometimes. We can feel incredibly vulnerable and weak and powerless and frustrated and empty.
That's where I've been these last few months.
God's been working in my heart so much that I've (frankly) wanted Him to stop. I was so stinkin' sick of the painful process called growth.
I'm afraid that this resulted in a lack of words flowing out. I kept them all inside. Although I'm not going to explain all the reasons for this, I will say that I currently have thirty-nine drafts, a notebook dedicated to ideas and random thoughts, and a whole lot of writing to do.
The rest of this post, though, is an unedited outflow that I wrote in the thick of things. It's been sitting in the drafts untouched for about two months. I seriously debated whether to share it because the note it ends on (well) reflects the full pain and struggle of this growth process.
But I decided to post.
Because life isn't perfect, and sometimes the reality of the mess serves to highlight the reality of a Savior.
I decided to post because I am afraid. And I'm learning that running right into this fear is something I need to do in certain areas right now. But I decided to post because I'm also choosing hope: choosing the hope that maybe (just maybe) somebody else on the other end of the screen needs this candor as badly as my soul needed to write out the words.
Here's to honesty, then, and to honestly recognizing the One who is in control of the process.
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What do you do when you're perpetually discontent?
When your mind is always prone to wonder - to desire that which is better and brighter and bigger and clearer and more glamorous and more fun and more fulfilling?
What do you do when you're perpetually discontent?
When you're always searching, never happy with where you are?
Well, I can tell you what you do.
You feel the life getting sucked out of you. slowly, but like an ever present, steady ebb that is physically draining the very life and essence of life out of your soul.
Well, I can tell you what you do.
You soak in unhappiness. You return to places of nagging thoughts.
It always can be better.
It always can be more thorough.
Something else would always be more fulfilling.
Something else would always be giving you what you finally want.
Someone else would be more fun.
Someplace else would finally give you what you truly desire.
A constant searching. An ever present restlessness.
Well, I can tell you what you do.
You wonder.
You wonder if you're actually good at anything, for what you love becomes hard and its value seems to fade. You wonder as what you once hoped for no longer seems so important. You wonder who exactly you are and why you are and why you are here and here you are why.
The introspection that plagues. It hurts; it hurts our soul.
Then why I do not stop that which is causing me pain? Why do I repeatedly do that which I know is not good and do not do that which I know I should?
(Oh) I don't know. (Oh) how I hate those words.
How everything else always seems like it would be better.
How everyone else seems to be more happy.
Oh, how it seems like I would be happier if only and when and then.
I am so sick of it.
but apparently not sick enough.
i need Jesus, yet I feel so flawed to try and even describe my brokenness.
I don't exactly know where to turn, who to turn to, how to let this out.
I'm scared. (to bear myself, to be myself, to find myself).
I'm flawed. (feeling my failures and mistakes).
I am so tired.
so void of strength.
so sick of this cycle.
I don't know. I don't understand. I just want somebody to see. I just want somebody to really care. I just want somebody to see and understand and speak and affirm.
so maybe, then, i should seek to see and understand and affirm.
so maybe, then, i should learn how to jsit do it.
so maybe, then, i should choose to focus on truth.
i am so sick of not measuring up to my own standards.
im sick of having to make my own standards.
im sick of having to do it all myself.
im sick of this utter dependency on myself.
i. just. want. to. be free.
(to have something that actually feels like a success. to feel the fruit of something. to have a tangible).
this hurts, God. I've actually worked myself to the point of tears. i need You. i need your direction. I need you. (Oh) I need You.
im tired of having to figure things out on my own.
to do it all on my own.
i just can't.
im tired of having to pick myself up.
this hurts, God.
© 2015 Deborah Hope Shining
0 comments
I definitely don't want this to be a monologue. What are your thoughts? Questions? Ideas?