You Alone

 This post was written in November of 2015.

Let me take you back three months.
Let me paint you a picture of hope.

When all ones sees is possibilities and endless opportunities, the world is full of light and happiness. When the future is so uncertain, you are certain that it must be good, and it remains bright.

That's the spot I was in three months ago.  Yes, I did not know what the future would hold, but I held onto the hope that it would be good.

Well, I've had a bit of a reality check these three months.

I've seen that there's a lot more that I have left to see.
I've seen that I haven't always seen myself clearly.
I've seen that I haven't always seen others clearly.
I've seen that I haven't always seen life clearly.

Here I sit, three months forward, and I see the depths of my broken, flawed, unhappy state. God's been working in my heart.  I've seen ugly parts of myself.  I've felt things that I would rather not.

Here I sit, and I sit alone.

I sit. alone.

I am in a new place, surrounded by endless faces of new and semi-familiar people, in an environment where I'm supposed to be having the time of my life and soaking in crazy, endless fun.

Here I sit, and I sit down to try and be faithful and keep following God and choosing the right and being frustrated why my life doesn't feel right.

Here I sit, and I think of how nothing's going how it was supposed to go. 

I feel more alone now on a deeper level than I ever have in my life || I was supposed to feel more connected and full of friends than ever before.
I feel my deficit of love and affirmation more than I ever have in my life || I was supposed to feel the most loved and affirmed and supported than I ever have before.
I feel like my life is one constant stress  || I was supposed to be having the most fun than ever before.

Here I sit, and I sit alone. Yet alone, I see:

What's it going to take fore me to realize that it's you alone?

I just want someone to come up to me and tell me that I'm valuable - that they see me.  I just want to do life together and laugh.  I just want to be surrounded by community.

but even if I had that, then it would be something else.

I just wanted to get into that elite academic society (and didn't). I just wanted to get that senator position (and didn't). I just wanted to get that job (and didn't).

my own chasings after fulfillment and happiness keep being frustrated.

In a deeper way than ever before, I feel like my plans for success and happiness and plan to derive my strength to keep carrying on are failing.

My plan that I wanted fulfilled in order to find happiness, purpose, and strength to carry on has been stripped away.

It hasn't turned out how I wanted it to, and this has shown me that I am not always who I wanted to be, my dreams might not be what I always wanted them to be, and my fears might be harder to conquer than I thought.

My plan I wanted fulfilled in order to find (ultimately) satisfaction failed, and I am left, left staring the fact in the face that (ultimately) it's You alone.  

I can never (no, never - no matter what the season) be filled by anything other than You.

I have hopes. dreams. feelings. desires. expectations.  but what do they really matter?  do i have to have some of them fulfilled in the way that i think is best in order to be satisfied, finally filled with purpose, excited about life?

that's ridiculous.

that's proud.  that's demanding my way in stubbornness.  it's where i continue to hold onto my will. it's a refusal, a refusal to surrender.

i've had to get close to You because all i have is You.
and maybe that's a good thing.
(no) maybe that's the best thing.

cause how can i know You in the good times when i've never had to learn to see Your face even in the dark? how can i hope to share the light when i've never needed the light myself?

how can i submit to your will in "the big things" when i don't know what it means to live with you in the small things? when i haven't wrestled with my own emotions and desires and expectations?

cause that's what you're doing.
You're teaching me
how to live:
how to be satisfied with you.

You're teaching me who You are
and what that means about who i am.

yeah, it is hard at times. it's like "really, God?"

i've got to surrender my expectations to you
and everything that i’m looking to for happiness, purpose, and fulfillment outside of You.

sometimes, my selfishness can be so strong as I sulk, sick of it all.  i don't want God to be dealing with me anymore.
but that means i would be lost to myself.

what better place to be than lost in the hands of a good God?
© 2016 Deborah Hope Shining


I definitely don't want this to be a monologue. What are your thoughts? Questions? Ideas?