Sometimes, elements in your life have a really hard time coming together.
Other times, it's really, really cool to witness the hand of God at work when you are faithful to obey Him.

I'm among the first to admit that results like what I'm about to share definitely don't always occur when you're being faithful. Actually, they often can feel like the exception and not the norm, so if you are feeling like you're in a difficult place right now don't give up or lose hope.

I want to encourage you with a small God moment.

It was a regular Wednesday, and I was walking back from a class a little tired, a little discouraged, and just ready to call it a day (but knowing that that was nowhere near happening).

My phone started its threefold continual vibration. This meant I was getting a call. I pulled it out and smiled to myself. The number wasn't programmed into my phone, but it was from New York, New York.

If you know anything about me, you may know that my heart is in the city, and my dream is to be able to move there upon graduation. Seeing that pop up on my screen felt like enough in itself. I figured the call wasn't actually for me (somebody just ended up with my number), but I thanked God for that little smile He's so good at giving.

I reach my dorm and continue with my day, setting my phone down and not looking at it for quite a while (as I have a not always beneficial habit of doing). When I came back, I saw the New York number had left a message. The call actually was for me. 

You see, a couple of nights before this, I'd read an article that someone had sent me. It was from this online media platform called Odyssey. I thought it was cool, and I'd actually researched their company before and had this desire to somehow write for them. How that would happen, I didn't know because their submission process seemed... unique. 

The next day, I'd seen a Facebook post. My school was opening a team of Content Creators for Odyssey. I could request an invite, so I did, and provided some information to seek to join the team.

The called I'd received was from an Assistant Managing Editor located in the city itself, and after a half an hour conversation filled inquiries such as what is the value of media today? what does it take to be a successful content creator? what is the role of social media in media society? I was invited to join the team (which I did).

I proceeded on board with Odyssey for quite a few weeks, weekly contributing articles to the site and learning more about how promotion works with social media.

Then, amid another God story, a role as my school's group's editor-in-chief opened up, and I was asked to fill this role (which I am).

Now, from a girl smiling about a NYC call to a content creator turned editor-in-chief, I'm happy to share that I'm on board with Odyssey and would love to share some of the content I've been producing for them with you:


I'd love to share a simple message with you, too.

Don't you ever, ever give up. Keep on keeping on (even when it's dark). Keep on keeping on even when the results seem to be nowhere in sight. I'm not telling you to keep on keeping on simply because you hope that you might see the results soon (though I hope that for you, too).

I'm asking you to keep on keeping on because He who calls you is faithful, and He asks for your obedience. Keep on keeping on because you are keeping on keeping on serving the King, no matter the results because He is enough.

Keep on keeping on enjoying whatever comes as you keep on (keep on).

"I lost the desire and ability to keep going. I didn't see why I was going in the first place. No, I saw reasons why I had started, but they no longer had the value they once did."

 

<<PART ONE>> 

 

I'm honestly unsure of how to start this post. I'm unsure because I'm sure of this: so much has been swirling in my mind for so, so long.

It's been over a year. 

It's been over a year since the intense thought-swirling started. It's like having an ocean of thoughts inside your mind, and you--walking on the edge of the water--are being incessantly hit by the waves. They're heavy. They're cold. They keep coming as long as you are by that edge. You somehow have to keep moving forward despite being hit and hit and hit and hit.

Let me go back to about two weeks ago.

I was coming off of a lot. I'd completed my first move-out on my own where I'd finished two semesters of maximum credit loads and maximum basically everything else.

Instead of making sure balance was happening, I jumped directly back into essentially a thirteen credit summer load, a freelance writing position with weekly deadlines, a summer internship with more deadlines on top of my existing commitment of four contributing author positions, one attempt to relaunch an online magazine, various queries to write for additional publications, and research into my biggest dreams.

If that wasn't enough, I'd also planned on finally getting to all that stuff that I've been wanting to do for a long time. Think a massive list of anything from finally reading through my over fifty issues of TIME magazine, watching about 100 saved TED videos, researching ancient philosophy and apologetics, learning various skills, and finally simplifying my almost storage maxed out computer.

Plus, I was going to articulate answers to some of the deepest questions of my life once and for all:

why am I here, what is life actually all about, who am I and what does that matter, who are other people, what is the most efficient way to change the world, what is my deepest passion, how do I actually want to live my life, what is life, why is life, what is happiness, where is meaning, how do I live whole-heartedly, what is whole-heartedly for me, what can I do, how do I keep myself back, how do I change that and go forward, where is forward for me.

I'd been doing all this (more or less) for about two months. It basically felt like I'd been doing it all very inefficiently, and words that my brain decided described my situation were along the lines of self-condemnation, regret, guilt, indecision, doubt, control, frustration, and lack of love.

That last one dared to delve deeper. It reminded me of a very unfortunate facet of my reality.

I was now living (and had been living for a very long time) without love - that state of hesed loyal obedience - and even just enjoyment of life. I was not "loving" (engaging in with all my heart) my life, my God, or other people.

And I'd started to slip. My high-achieving lifestyle was (scarily) approaching a crashing halt faster than I thought. My productivity started to diminish.

I lost the desire and ability to keep going. I didn't see why I was going in the first place. No, I saw reasons why I had started, but they no longer had the value they once did. 

I was actually helping out my sister as she was dogsitting, and they day had been a constant struggle; a constant struggle to try try try to keep myself focused so that I could finally move on and do what I actually wanted.

I saw that why in the world would I keep living in any other way than contented, purposeful, and peaceful because our days are chronically numbered. I saw how I wanted to live but felt incapable to get to that place. My self-reliance wasn't gonna get me out of this one, and I knew it.

I sent a text. "Hey, are you gonna be home when I get back?" My mom replied. She would. I didn't say anymore till I walked in the door.  

I functioned for a little while, then I asked if she would talk with me. My dad was ten minutes away, so we waited for him. Then, we had a ten minute slot (and they ended up giving me fifteen).

I sat on the wooden chair in the recesses of the cool basement while mom was cushioned by her favorite prayer chair and dad situated on the couch's leather.

I opened my mouth, not sure of what would come out but sure that something needed to emerge.

I told of the sea inside my mind. I told of how desire and ability no longer held meaning. I told of the total strength deficit to take any more steps. And I told them of how ridiculous I thought it all to be; how I (of all people) should be past this by now, how I'd been given so many tools in my life and felt the pressure to use them all and guilt at never doing it good enough, how I knew I should be able to function at this capacity.

My leather and prayer cushioned parents placed the possibility before me (one I'd staunchly believe I was incapable of reaching): burnout.  

My parents--they with years of counseling and ministry--stated how it seemed that I was in the beginning stages of it, something they traced back to long, long ago. If something didn't change, I was headed for a full on crash and burn.

We talked some more, and then they had to leave for another appointment.

I wanted a quick fix. I wanted a magic solution that would allow me to jump right back in to it all with ferocity.  

I didn't get that type of magic. I've (actually) been working through it all these past two weeks. It's bringing up that which I've been grappling with for over a year.

This story doesn't end here because my story didn't (and doesn't) end here.

I've found--no, I'm finding--a new way to live. I want to tell the rest of the story, to share it with you.

The story will continue in part two.

I'm looking.

I've been scanning through all the posts that I have on my admin side of this blog. It turns out that I'm nearing having as many "drafts" as I have "published posts."

And that's ridiculous. I have posts that are half finished (some totally completed) and some that are actually posts about what kind of posts that I need to write.

Half-Finished. Half-Starteds. Half-Full of half formed ideas about this (not even) half of a normal life span that I've been living.

These unfinished posts and half-explored ideas are not where the incomplete ends for me, though.

I've started a lot of things.

I've started a new schedule for increased productivity.
I've started a new plan to actually engage in my quiet time more consistently.
I've started a new plan for how to keep pursing my dreams.
I've even started a plan of how to live a happy life.

And I know what you're thinking: "it's not how you started but how you finished that counts" (at least that's what I'm thinking). But I cannot stand clichés lately. And that is not where this post is going to head.

((Because, honestly, how you start really does matter. It's not just that you finished--what that cliché is really getting at. Starting can be ridiculously hard. Ushering up all that gumption to begin and having the courage to even risk the thought of failure is laudable. And sometimes, you can actually finish badly. You can finish more depressed than when you began. You can finish with worse relationships and worse health. Really, starting and finishing and which actually matters is a mute point. So much as to do with how you define your terms of "mattering" in the first place)).

Why you need to deal with it now, why unfinished drafts and an unfinished life are so detrimental, is because clutter can kill and ideas can leave and motivation can evaporate.

You have something in your heart, so you start; you write down the idea. You make the phone call. You write the post.

Yet one of the most scary realities that I am noticing is when we have an idea but let distraction distract us from the very power and beauty that can be found in the pursuit of these desires.

Don't wast the moment; Don't wait on your passions; Don't waste your energy.

The halves have built up halves have built up halves have made you into half of what you could be. made your life into (maybe) half of what it should be.

This half-life isn't just a disservice to yourself. It's a disservice to those around you. It's a disservice to the King who made you capable to living (whole) in the first place.

I don't want to invest in my life with half of my heart.

Here's to living (whole) hearted -- mistakes, failures, imperfections, fears, and all.