Friday, June 30, 2017

Conviction



The light blue waves mirrored the blueness of the cool bench imprinting my sunburned legs with small circles. I spoke.

"And fast forward two years, and I guess here I am today.."

He looked back at me, but I was still looking inside, realizing it had actually been two years since I'd moved to a new state and (somewhat) neglected my soul's state.

Straight rewind.

The past two weeks | neon shirts, lawn mowing and weed pulling with nine other grounds-care coworkers.

The past two months | eighteen credits, five activities for zero credits, three jobs, two honors component research projects, and an average of four hours of sleep per night.

The past two years | too much of a self-centered, introspective dive tainted with good intentions and my questions' questions.

Straight forward.

The next two weeks from that bench-sitting dusk | a move to another state and an awakening to the true state of things, the state of the reality of these past two years.

I've actually been realizing some things.

I haven't written a post solely for this blog in over a year.
I haven't been faithful with reading my Bible.
I haven't prayed like (I've realized) we humans actually need.
I haven't been focused on doing and moving and going.

Actually, I've been so focused on doing and moving and going that what I've done a lot of thinking about it, thinking at the expense of action.

And that's just the beginning.
(It's been a good, good first month of my two-month relocation since that blue-bench conversation).

What I'm seeing is that when we have these relizations, we have two options: to continue in the same direction or to move in a slightly different one.

I'm not saying I've been heading in the wrong direction (because that's honestly not accurate). I've been on this wonderful path God has laid before me; I've just found a spot in the shade and have been chillin for a little too long.

Here's the thing, though. I want to move again, to move in the direction God's planned.

But something is different about this choice inside.
I'm not choosing to gather up my willpower and to go with all my might.

I'm choosing to say that I do not have the sustainable motivation to go or the clarity to always know where to go or the wisdom to always go most effectively. But I do have something: a knowledge.

I know that I must keep my eyes on Jesus and delight in Him.
Then, I have to humble myself.
I have to ask.

Jesus, I need you to go anywhere, and I need to stop caring so much about the details of this "anywhere" and the "how wells" of how I'm getting there, and simply care that I'm going - I'm going with You.

So help me, Lord.




© 2017 Deborah Hope Shining
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1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your transparency. I understand so deeply where you are coming from. Praying that God would show you His grace and power as you follow His will.

    -Miriam
    craftedbychrist.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete

I definitely don't want this to be a monologue. What are your thoughts? Questions? Ideas?

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