written april 16, 2021

fourteen days before I (expectedly unexpectedly) put in a two months notice of quitting my job

three months and three days before I (unexpectedly) would move 2,000 miles across the country

oh (truly) what fun

rewrite: what a plan God was weaving that I had yet to see

__

i hit another mental block yesterday.

thirty-five feet up, i felt my post-california sunkissed back muscles tighten

as i placed my right la sportiva climbing shoe clad foot onto the pink, square-jagged hold

now, left hand crimped and left foot jammed into a three-finger pocket, 

all i had to do was stand up

instead of standing up, my mind locked up

not as much of a “I can’t reach” but an “I don’t want to reach anymore”

in one moment, motivation evaporated

willpower

at lower than gone

i hit another mental block yesterday.

perhaps i block-up, lock-up when I need to feel safe.

safe? maybe. in control? maybe closer.

some say i’m a drama queen, others an adrenaline addict

i think i’ve adjusted to living overwhelmed and understimulated 

one hundred emails, ninety more projects, eighty more assignments, seventy more people i should have loved, sixty more things I should have done better, fifty more dreams left unchased.

i carry all the weight

and none of the wonder

where is the joy tucked within the curves of a life that feels monotonous and born as one mistake and mark missed after another, another?

when will surrendering worried, anxious not breed dark-clad, heavier worried, anxious?

when will peace seem cradled in being grasped by truth?

i don’t know

i don’t know how to slide out from under these complexes i’ve worn holes in their fabrics from three years of trodding 

i don’t know how to go up, reach past their folds

i don’t know how to mental-not-block-up, when it feels that both my effort and my surrender are devoid

i don’t know how to live in the present- lived reality of weighted and wonder free, when the next step seems it needs just a little more from me, dancing closer to taking all of me.

up 

up freed from my ability to go up

up beyond my giving up

up to my finding, energy-living what is beholden farther up

what’s further, further in

i just can’t see the path, 

anymore