Deborah Spooner
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written april 16, 2021

fourteen days before I (expectedly unexpectedly) put in a two months notice of quitting my job

three months and three days before I (unexpectedly) would move 2,000 miles across the country

oh (truly) what fun

rewrite: what a plan God was weaving that I had yet to see


__



i hit another mental block yesterday.


thirty-five feet up, i felt my post-california sunkissed back muscles tighten

as i placed my right la sportiva climbing shoe clad foot onto the pink, square-jagged hold


now, left hand crimped and left foot jammed into a three-finger pocket, 

all i had to do was stand up


instead of standing up, my mind locked up

not as much of a “I can’t reach” but an “I don’t want to reach anymore”


in one moment, motivation evaporated

willpower

at lower than gone


i hit another mental block yesterday.


perhaps i block-up, lock-up when I need to feel safe.

safe? maybe. in control? maybe closer.


some say i’m a drama queen, others an adrenaline addict

i think i’ve adjusted to living overwhelmed and understimulated 


one hundred emails, ninety more projects, eighty more assignments, seventy more people i should have loved, sixty more things I should have done better, fifty more dreams left unchased.


i carry all the weight

and none of the wonder


where is the joy tucked within the curves of a life that feels monotonous and born as one mistake and mark missed after another, another?

when will surrendering worried, anxious not breed dark-clad, heavier worried, anxious?

when will peace seem cradled in being grasped by truth?


i don’t know

i don’t know how to slide out from under these complexes i’ve worn holes in their fabrics from three years of trodding 

i don’t know how to go up, reach past their folds

i don’t know how to mental-not-block-up, when it feels that both my effort and my surrender are devoid

i don’t know how to live in the present- lived reality of weighted and wonder free, when the next step seems it needs just a little more from me, dancing closer to taking all of me.


up 

up freed from my ability to go up

up beyond my giving up

up to my finding, energy-living what is beholden farther up

what’s further, further in


i just can’t see the path, 

anymore 

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About Me

Deborah Spooner is an analytical creative enamored by ideas and addicted to dripping words in candor. Serving as a Marketing Strategist for LifeWay’s Adults Ministry, she loves all things big-dreaming, difference-making, and Jesus-pointing. A pastor’s daughter with a background in communications and theology, you can find her at her local church with her students (and probably way too excited about the color yellow) as she seeks to know Christ more and make Him known.

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