written april 16, 2021
fourteen days before I (expectedly unexpectedly) put in a two months notice of quitting my job
three months and three days before I (unexpectedly) would move 2,000 miles across the country
oh (truly) what fun
rewrite: what a plan God was weaving that I had yet to see
__
i hit another mental block yesterday.
thirty-five feet up, i felt my post-california sunkissed back muscles tighten
as i placed my right la sportiva climbing shoe clad foot onto the pink, square-jagged hold
now, left hand crimped and left foot jammed into a three-finger pocket,
all i had to do was stand up
instead of standing up, my mind locked up
not as much of a “I can’t reach” but an “I don’t want to reach anymore”
in one moment, motivation evaporated
willpower
at lower than gone
i hit another mental block yesterday.
perhaps i block-up, lock-up when I need to feel safe.
safe? maybe. in control? maybe closer.
some say i’m a drama queen, others an adrenaline addict
i think i’ve adjusted to living overwhelmed and understimulated
one hundred emails, ninety more projects, eighty more assignments, seventy more people i should have loved, sixty more things I should have done better, fifty more dreams left unchased.
i carry all the weight
and none of the wonder
where is the joy tucked within the curves of a life that feels monotonous and born as one mistake and mark missed after another, another?
when will surrendering worried, anxious not breed dark-clad, heavier worried, anxious?
when will peace seem cradled in being grasped by truth?
i don’t know
i don’t know how to slide out from under these complexes i’ve worn holes in their fabrics from three years of trodding
i don’t know how to go up, reach past their folds
i don’t know how to mental-not-block-up, when it feels that both my effort and my surrender are devoid
i don’t know how to live in the present- lived reality of weighted and wonder free, when the next step seems it needs just a little more from me, dancing closer to taking all of me.
up
up freed from my ability to go up
up beyond my giving up
up to my finding, energy-living what is beholden farther up
what’s further, further in
i just can’t see the path,
anymore
0 comments
I definitely don't want this to be a monologue. What are your thoughts? Questions? Ideas?